A Woman Scorned Mary Sue version
by AlmightyLordPhlebotium
Summary: Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, especially if she's Christy, intent on ripping Dark Heart limb from limb for dumping her. WARNING: Contains dangerous to sanity levels of Mary Sue. Seriously, she's like Juggernaut, Wolverine and Deadpool combined. (abandoned and complete)


Midnight. A lone police officer is entering the landing pad.

"Hey, what's this" he said "What the hell?" he screamed while pulling an alarm in panic "SOMEONE STOLE ONE OF OUR HELICOPTERS!"

In NoHeart's castle. A helicopter's rotor is heard.

"Ah, Beastly is back." Said Noheart.

"You say something, boss?" shouted Beastly from the kitchen.

"Where's the supplies I ordered you to get, imbecile?"

"Oops! I forgot."

"YOU. FORGOT! Then who's helicopter was that, you stupid ugly piece of..." NoHeart's angry rant was interrupted by Shrieky's shriek. "Check on the brat."

"But boss-"

"DO IT!" NoHeart thundered at the top of his lungs as Beastly ran off. "Lousy furball." Thought NoHeart as he heard a crash and more noises. "What are they up to." Thought NoHeart while getting up from his throne.

"What in the blazes are you idiots doing?I swear, I have to do everything myself..." His words were cut off as he felt sharp pain and fainted. A figure in a trench coat walked out of the room with a bound and gagged Shrieky, Beastly tied to a chair and an unconscious NoHeart and placed the amulet and mirror in the trenchcoats's pocket.

Christy got out of her stolen helicopter in the middle of a forest, placed NoHeart's amulet around her neck and inserted Shrieky's mirror into a tiny bag right under her armpit more in the manner of the gun holster under her other arm than a purse.

"That asshole is gonna pay." Christy thought grimly while camouflaging the stolen police helicopter with green military camo nets and branches and leaves.

At the circus, Fettuccini Junior was packing the supplies for the night before going to his wagon. While he was sleeping, a shadow crept from behind the wall. Christy, wearing everything black except for her purple hat, used lock picks to open a chest. She dropped the chest from the top of the closet, resulting in the loud noise everywhere.

"Who's that?" someone screamed and burst into the room with flashlights. The people look around, shone some light into Fettuccini's face and tried to wake him up. "Aw, the fat pig always has a messy room. Let's go guys."

Christy could barely maintain her grip as she was hanging above the circus folk. A bead of her sweat almost fell on one of the workers. When all of them walker away, Christy quietly climbed down next to Fettuccini.

"Sleeping like a baby." Christy observed while chuckling softly and holding a bottle of sleep drug that she put in Fettuccini's drink.

Christy crept up to the chest, quickly placed a green book into her backpack, making sure to take the key next to the book.

Back in town, Christy was walking out of a locksmith's building while carrying two bags and a backpack full of supplies. She walked past a pier full of beat-up yachts and fish guts when two thugs approached her. "Hey there. What's pretty thing like you doing in this hellhole?" one of them said as Christy ignored him and kept walking "Maybe we should help the lady out." The other one said, trying to take Christy's bag. She wouldn't let go, until the other one took out a switchblade and pointed it at Christy "Give us your stuff bitch!" "No." "Do it or I slit your throat!"

"Fine." Said Christy while staring past the knife. "But it's too heavy."

"What?" The two thugs were laughing hysterically "The girl thinks she's an Amazo...n" Christy released the bag that one of the thugs was clutching. He couldn't lift it and crush his foot.

"Be a gentleman and hold this." Christy said to the astonished knife thug while throwing her other bag at him. A grenade and two gun magazines fell out of the two other bags.

"Listen up, sir." Christy said while walking up to the screaming thug that was trying to lift the bag off his foot. "If I take this bag off you foot, will you let me pick up my weapons?"

Without listening for a response, Christy lifted the bag effortlessly, while the thug started limping away from her in panic while calling Christy a freak.

"Oh well" Said Christy while packing the fallen out supplies and picking both bags up. "That went better than expected" She said while walking away from the dead thug.

***Alternate version***

Back in town, Christy was walking out of a locksmith's building while carrying two bags and a backpack full of supplies. She walked past a pier full of beat-up yachts and fish guts when two thugs approached her. "Hey there. What's pretty thing like you doing in this hellhole?" one of them said as Christy ignored him and kept walking "Maybe we should help the lady out." The other one said, trying to take Christy's bag. She wouldn't let go, until the other one took out a switchblade and pointed it at Christy "Give us your stuff bitch!"

"No." SAID Chrisy quietly.

"Do it or I slit your throat!" Said the thug with the knife, not noticing Christy's dark glare.

A few minutes later, Christy was standing in a pay phone, her bags at her feet. "Hello, police? I'd like to report a crime. I was walking and heard some noise. There... there was blood everywhere. It was horrible!" Christy cried "Yes, I saw a man running away. He was six feet tall, he was carrying a horrible rusty blade" Christy said while cleaning blood off her knife "and no, I won't be available as a witness. No. The address is 117 Port Avenue. Good day."

"Man, the nerve of some people." Thought Christy while walking past two horribly mutilated corpses whose heads were sliced off and intestines hanging from their stomachs.

Some tome later, Christy arrived to an abandoned factory. She pushed her supply bags through a hole in the fence and jumped over it to the other side. Inside the warehouse, Christy arranged all of her items on wooden tables. Guns, bullets. Grenades, knives, swords, Kevlar armor, radios, scrolls, bottles, Shrieky's mirror, Noheart's amulet and the green grimoire.

"So many choices. Where to begin?" Christy said while walking past her arsenal "The book will be last... A-ha!" She picked up the amulet "First of all, I must get past that asshole's powers."

Christy placed NoHeart's amulet around her neck and stood in an empty spot. "Ok, no anger. Concentrate. Concentrate. Visualise myself as...A DRAGON!" She said loudly as she turned into a salamander. "No, DRAGON!" POOF, she's a newt. After ten more tries, she turned into a komodo dragon. "Hm, good enough. For now." She hid the amulet under her shirt and took Shrieky's to blast a target. The first blast worked, and she spent ten minutes working on her rage, power and accuracy. Completely exhausted, she put the mirror under her shirt and went to take a shower in the foreman's office before coming to bed.

Christy woke up to some noises, put on her shoes and trenchcoat. She saw an object moving through the sky towards her house, ran down to her armoury to grab the amulet, leaving the mirror behind. Christy used a pair of binoculars to see Shrieky and Beastly walking up to her headquarters.

"Come on out, you bitch. Noheart knows you're here." Shouted Beastly.

"Outta my way, furball." Said Shrieky while pushing Beastly aside. "Come out or I'll scream. [silence]No? [deep breath] (SHRIIIIIEEEEEEEEK!)"

Christy held tight to a rail with her elbow while plugging her ears.

Shrieky and Beastly entered Christy's base. Shrieky immediately noticed her mirror and ran towards it, grabbing and kissing her favourite weapon. Beastly opened a door and a blowtorch had set his fur on fire. He tried to put it out in a toilet, but exploded from the gasoline in there and was launched through the roof. Shrieky did not notice Christy behind her turning into an orang-utan and throwing a bucket of paint at Shrieky. Shrieky shrieked, stumbled backward and slipped on an oil slick. Shrieky then fell into a cart, which kept moving, rode through a few ramps before being launched straight out the window.

Shreaky's face was covered in paint while Beastly's fur was singed but strangely undamaged when Orangutan-Christy

"You should've seen your faces, guys HAHAHAHA." She laughed hysterically while turning into a platypus "Yo, Screechy, the same thing happened to my ex-boyfriend" giggled Christy, now a giraffe with NoHeart's amulet around it's long neck "I...hahaha...watched too many Macaulay Caulking movies." She laughed as a clawed blue hand closed around her neck and forced her to change back.

"YOU DARE STEAL FROM LORD NOHEART, FOOLISH BRAT?" NoHeart's gaze pierced Christy's terrified glance "GIVE ME A REASON NOT TO KILL YOU."

"I..I'm...sorry" Cried Christy "I'm defenceless. Take your amulet and g...g...go" She was choking on her snot.

"YOU DISGUST ME, CHILD" NoHeart said as he ripped his amulet from Christy's neck and slapped her face, leaving deep slices across her face with his fingernails and letting her fall on the ground "DO NOT CROSS ME AGAIN!" he pointed her finger at Christy while teleporting.

Christy continued to cry while curled on the ground while crying "I...can't believe (sob)...HOW GULLIBLE THESE FOOLS ARE!" She smiled while taking the real amulet and mirror. "Hm," she said while looking at NoHeart's fingernail marks in Shrieky's mirror and licking the streaming blood off her cheek "I feel so pretty. Scars really suit me."

"Now for the hardest part" Christy said while taking the book and lighting a cigarette. She turned a key in the book while sitting behind a work table. The pages started glowing and a female face appeared between the pages—

"HAHAHAHAHA I AM FREE!" Screeched the book in ecstasy.

"Hello" said Christy in a deadpan voice.

"Mmm, what have we here?" purred the book seductively "ANOTHER VESSEL FOR ME TO POSSESS!" Her face became terrifying.

"NOT SO FAST!" Thundered Christy, her eyes turning purple and smoke enveloping her body from channelling NoHeart's dark magics "YOU SHALL NOT CONTROL ME, BOOK!"

"How cute. My old creation's amulet. He failed to kill those animals, and he cannot hurt me...OOOOOWW!" The book screamed as Christy extinguished her cigarette on the spirit's forehead.

"Now listen here. I'm the one giving orders." Said Christy while putting her face close to the spirit. "If you don't like it, I'll make you wish that you were burned."

"INSOLENT WRETCH I'LL MAKE YOU COMMIT SUICIDE-AAAH!"The book screamed as she was placed into a glass box. "Is that supposed to scare me? I slept for centuries! There is no torture that can stop me!"

"Really." Christy ignored the book's taunts as she placed a CD and turned the music on.

... "**In your arms I can still feel the way you****  
><strong>**Want me when you hold me**

"What is this horrid song?"The book asked while Christy was taking out a pair of noise-cancelling earphones.

"**I can still hear the words you whispered****  
><strong>**When you told me****  
><strong>**I can stay right here forever in your arms**_**"**_

"That's love songs by Shania Twain" Replied Christy while putting the headphones on and working on her weapons "I'd listen along, but I can't stand your screaming. Enjoy."

"What?" asked the spirit in confusion.

Some time later...

**Else in the world above me****  
><strong>**(I can still see love for me) I can****  
><strong>**Still see love for me in your eyes****  
><strong>**(I still see the love)****  
><strong> 

"." The book screeched hysterically.

******And there ain't no way****  
><strong>**I'm lettin' you go now****  
><strong>**And there ain't no way****  
><strong>**And there ain't no how****  
><strong>**I'll never see that day**

Shania Twain's melodic voice has finished filling the room with its melodic notes as Christy took her headphones off.

"Well?" said Christy stoically. "Ready to talk?"

"DAMN YOU TO HELL!" Was the books reply.

"Suit yourself" Christy placed another CD into the ghetto blaster.

**Who's that comin' from somewhere up in the sky?****  
>Moving fast and bright as a firefly<strong>**  
>Just when you think the trouble's gonna pounce<strong>**  
>Who's gonna be there when it really counts?<br>Do the Care Bear Countdown****  
>And send a wish out through the air...<strong>**  
><strong> 

Christy also took out a Titanic, Phantom of the Opera, HMS Pinaphore and Mary Poppins soundtracks as well as a Lady Gaga, Paris Hilton, Linkin Park, My Chemical Romance and Crazy Frog.

Some time later, when Christy reloaded all of her weapons and placed a whole bunch of traps and practiced using the magic objects until she could use them better than their original owners. Just when the last song was about to end, she felt the ground shake from her explosives. "Uh-oh. Trouble."

Christy opened the glass case. The book was babbling "pokerface...bing bada ding ...in dreams he came...craaawwwling in my skiiiinnn..."

"Ok, book. If you won't serve me, you'll all of it again." Said Christy while opening her book.

"ANYTHINGYOUSAY MISTRESS! NO MORE MUSIC!" Screamed the book hysterically.

"Excellent!"

A few minutes later, the door burst open to reveal a furious NoHeart and his two sidekicks.

"THIS! IS! NOT! MY! AMULET!" Screamed NoHeart and ran into the factory, dragging Beastly and Shrieky and crushing the fake amulet and mirror, revealing them to be paper mache, metallic paint, LED lights and batteries "NO MATTER HOW YOU BEG, I WILL SHOW YOU NO MERCY THIS TIME!"

"And she stole my mirror!" Added Shrieky when suddenly all the lights were off.

"Well, maybe you didn't need an amulet" Christy's voice sounded behind them, along with the doors locking "maybe, the amulet was inside of you all along."

"Your smart mouth won't save you, girl" said NoHeart in rage "I've got another one, and spent lifetimes mastering it. Give up. This is not a fair fight."

"Of course not." Giggled Christy from somewhere "You three against me-I can beat you all easily."

"Show yourself!"

"Not yet. I've spared you to test your strength." A blast from Shrieky's mirror shot from somewhere "And I've got your mirror, Screamey!"

"Get back here, bitch!" screamed Shrieky while Beastly followed her.

"WAIT!" NoHeart's eyebrows made an uncharacteristically concerned expression "IT'S A TRAP!"

"The hell?" Shrieky found herself and Beastly in two seats shackled to the seats.

Suddenly, a bunch of spotlights shone on a huge arena, while also lighting Shrieky and Beastly while their platform was raised to give them a better view.

"Hey boss, we're gonna see a circus. I hope there's clowns" Said Beastly while Shrieky glared at him.

"LADIES AND...um BEASTS!

"IN THIS CORNER, WEIGHING...ANYTHING, DEPENDING ON HIS SHAPE, ESTIMATED AGE 666 YEARS, THE ANGRY, THE MERCILESS, THE...WISE AND SERIOUS...LORD NOOOHEART!"

"AND IN THIS CORNER, 190 POUNDS OF THIN AMAZONIAN BEAUTY, 26 YEARS, CHRISINE "CHRISTY" ROGERS, THE ELEGANT, THE BEAUTIFUL, KNOWN BY HER CLASSMATES AS...THE CAMP CHAMP!" a spotlight lit Christy to reveal her wearing her usual armour and trench coat, but her purple hat, baggy fatigues and combat boots replaced by a top hat, fishnet stockings and high-heeled shoes.

"YA DAMN WHORE!" bellowed Tiger NoHeart as he lunged for Christy only for her to leapfrog over him.

"Whore? You're the biggest pussy in this building" she answered, prompting Beastly to giggle.

"I WILL RIP YOU TO SHREDS!" NoHeart roared while jumping on Christy, who grabbed his paws so hard that he couldn't escape or bite her.

"You would if YOU were ripped" she started petting him "but you don't work out like me. Who's a cute kitty?" But she did not hold him for long as NoHeart turned into an orang-utan and kicked her in the face while doing a handstand.

"Yeah, kick her ass, uncle" shouted Shrieky

"Go Cristy, go camp Champ!" shouted Beastly, only to cringe at Shrieky's glare.

"Now we're getting somewhere!" Christy grinned so wide that her busted lip started bleeding even more. "Wait, I don't feel so good..." she said as she started stumbling.

"Now you're mine" thought NoHeart as he charged, only for Christy to use drunken fighting to evade his attacks. He changed into a gorilla and managed to land a hit on her. She merely stopped to use Wing Chun kung fu to block all of his attacks and counterattack faster than he could throw his punches. When he lifted an iron pipe to attack Christy, she took another one and started blocking all of fis attacks while twirling it and even balancing on its end.

"IT ENDS NOW!" NoHeart threw his staff like a spear and ran backward while Christy dodged his projectile and used the extra time to change into a Tyrannosaurus.

"Go uncle, eat that slut! Crush her, smash her!" Cheered Shrieky

"NOO! Beat him, Christy" Shouted Beastly and stuck his tongue out at Shrieky.

"Sweet!" smiled Christy and briefly changed into a human to get a smoke bomb and activate it. "Hey dyno-butt!" she said from the top of a huge machine while miming a masturbation motion with one shotgun "my dick is bigger than yours."

NoHeart, in his rage, ran towards Christy's hiding spot in T-Rex while Christy swung on a wire, holding it with the right hand and left foot and shooting nonlethal flexible batons NoHeart Rex until the custom giant magazines were empty. She jumped back to her hiding spot, turned human and shot NoHeart with Shrieky's mirror.

Using his niece's magic item against him was the last straw to make NoHeart lose his temper. His body slowly grew while enveloped in blue smoke. He kept growing and growing as Christy took out a banana from her trenchcoat and started eating it.

Suddenly, NoHeart made a terrible roar as his shape was revealed. It was a giant bipedal lizard, with a powerful stocky body and black scales, his arms as thick and long as his legs. He either had no eyes or extremely tiny ones. A brief glimpse during his roar showed him to have three rows of teeth.

He opened his mouth to charge a blast of energy before releasing it right to where Christy sat as Shrieky cheered. The blast melted the machine and made an enormous hole in the wall and ceiling. NoHeart went to examine the place where his enemy sat, only to see a flash grenade attached to a swinging hook moving toward his face. He did not react to the flash and stood normally.

"Oh sit." He heard Christy's voice. As he walked toward it, his entire leg was blown off with a huge pack of mines and plastic explosives.

"Are you ok? " said Christy while walking up to the body, despite Shrieky's cries. "You see, my asshole ex-boyfriend turned human very briefly due to worrying about. The bastard turned demon and dumped me. I kick the shit out of him, and you won't stand in my way."

Then, NoHeart's lizard body starting turning into smoke. "_i will enter your body...and rip it from inside." _The shadow spoke.

"Oh shit!" Christy screamed as the shadow went after her. She unloaded a few rounds into the monster, to no effect. She used Shrieky's mirror to the same result. Christy the ran off in panic. The place where the smoke touched her leg felt numb and frozen.

"Open up, book" she whispered in panic as the book's face appeared "NoHeart will kill me and there's nothing I can do. You said you created him. Give me the spell to send him back"

"Well well well" the book whispered seductively "just because I can stop him doesn't mean I will."Christy was getting strangely aroused at hearing the book's sultry voice talk about death."I will relish as your spirit is snuffed out and your eyes fade as your head slowly falls upon your chest. Do not fear oblivion." Christy couldn't stand it any longer "surrender yourself into death's embrace-" she was interrupted by Christy's passionate kiss on her spirit head's lips "What are you doing?"She exclaimed. "I don't swing that way! I don't like girls-or boys (or humans!)"

"Well, your voice makes me horny", said Christy, licking her lips seductively "after my boyfriend dumped me, I only like women." She pulled out a cigarette and lit it. "And since I will die anyway, you can eat my cunt with that ghostly tongue." She exhaled a puff of smoke. "and if I survive, I can go back to guys after raping and killing my ex." She added to the horrified book "and when Smoky comes, I'll burn you so he can't read you."

"OK, HERE'S THE SPELL!" exclaimed the book in horror.

The NoHeart Smoke Monster was nearing a door when Christy jumped out, holding the book "_cucullus non facit monachum" _she shouted as NoHeart started swirling** "**a pedibus usque ad caput ab irato ad lucem" The smoke monster was pulled off to reveal an old bearded man in a monk robe "ad captandum vulgus ab aeterno ab antique ab extra ad usum proprium" sweat appeared on Christy's as she recounted the last spell. The smoke and dark energy were exiting NoHeart's eyes, mouth and nose and entering the book's pages, while the amulet's energy was entering Christy's amulet. When she was done, she used her last bits of strength to carry the non-evil NoHeart downstairs and opened Beastly's handcuffs.

"Help...your...master..." was all that Christy said before fainting.

The first thing that Christy saw when she opened her eyes were a human-looking NoHeart and Beastly both looking worried while Shrieky is pouting.

"You saved me." Said Human NoHeart gently "thank you."

"Where's...my... book" whispered Christy weakly.

"That horrid thing? A piece of its essence corrupted me. It should be destroyed." His large eyebrows furrowed a bit.

"No!" cried Christy, losing her cool for the first time in a long time, maybe years "Please,don't hurt her!"

"Her?" Said NoHeart "Well, I suppose she was also the one to save me." He pulled the book from his robe. "I could never hurt her." He scratched his nose in embarrassment "Well, not as a human, at least."

"Phew! You haven't washed your robe in centuries! What, did you forget what 'laundry' means the moment you met me, you stupid brat?"Screamed the book before noticing Christy "MASTER! I've been so worried!"

"Well, I missed you too" said Christy while hugging the book "I' didn't know you _cared_"

Everyone except NoHeart stared at Christy in the freakiest expression ever.

"What? Nonononono! Caring is for sissies. I just need a mage who I may or may not possess not to be a whimp-AAAAH!" the book's pages stood up when Christy made a smoking motion.

"If I were still possessed, this book would be toilet paper" mused NoHeart quietly

"WAITWAITWAITWAIT!" Screamed Shrieky "The bitch stole from us! Uncle won't need his trinket, but WHERE'S MY FUCKING MIRROR!"

"Oh, let's see here" Christy reached in to her coat, since she was lying fully-clothed on a mattress. "There you go, Shrieky" she said as she handed Shrieky's mirror and gave her a pat on the head.

"You remembered my name!" Shrieky grinned while beaming with happiness.

"Alright, let the girl rest" Said Noheart gently.

"Hold on!" Interrupted Beastly "Christy is a badass and stuff, but she beat all of us up, and kidnapped me and Shrieky!" Beastly looked around "So, Why'd you do it?"

"Oh," answered Christy serenely. "I needed to kill my ex-boyfriend." She turned to Noheart "You probably know him. His name is...Dark Heart."

**THE END**


End file.
